What I Am and What I'm Not

An excerpt from the book, He's Just Not That Into You

I hate talking about my feelings. I hate talking about my "relationship". I know I'm a chick and chicks are supposed to be all emotional, but I'm not. I don't like it one a bit. I particularly don't want asking a guy where the relationship is going or how he feels about me. Ew. It should be natural and easy and obvious.

So I guess if I have to start thinking and planning and devising all sorts of ways to find out what kind of situation I'm in, I'm probably not in that good a situation. Shit.

But wait. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. We are all old enough to have experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. We know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has been, if we are still out there dating, always an end to the relationship. And the endings always suck.

So of course, people, women included, will create all sorts of tricks and diversions and distractions to try to not notice that we might in fact be getting into a relationship. That just seems like a very crafty and understandable aspect to human nature. So what if in the beginning or a while into it, it's a little vague? Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets the guy? You want to be the cool girl --- the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. That's who I always wanted to be. That's who I always was.

The thing about that cool girl is that she still gets her feelings hurt. She still has reactions to how she's being treated. She still hopes he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I hate that.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trusthworthy and honorable --- and into me. Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away. But that caution shouldn't be to make them feel more comfortable; it should be because you know that you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection. That's what I'm doing now. And it's not going so badly.

- Liz Tuccillo